.:goodbye:.

i hate goodbyes.
mainly because it means the end of something beautiful...

but i read something from a book (THE FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN) and it resonates throughout the time i am writing this last entry that says something about goodbyes not entirely being the end but beginning as well - although we may not know it at that time.

anyway, thanks for reading my entries
your comments made me stronger and better.

please view my new bogspot
http://kenkai12.blogspot.com/

a reply: to the world's greatest bully

JUST an FYI:
i NEVER patterned our relationship with what the ones i had (actually there was just one real relationship prior to you)... because if i did, i wouldn't have told everybody about it. It would be a secret among my peers... my relatives won't know it, and we would always go to places where people i know won't see me. That was the kind of relationship i had with rb. and NEVER did i do that to you.

this is sooo crazy.
YOU were one of the first persons (next to nessa) that i tell whenever i get pissed off with rb, your shoulders were the very ones i cried on, why a sudden change of wind? why tell me (and other people) that i was the one who never cared? why do you always bring up the walang pakialam night... don't i have the right to make mistakes? to say things that i don't really mean when i am totally mad and blown apart?

so now tell me.

don't you ever tell me that you never felt anything for those girls you had relationships with. read: RELATIONSHIPS... because there were so many girls BEFORE me... (don't tell me that you never felt anything to them... because only hyprocrites say that!)
and what's this statement that "i consumed all my energy and left you nothing" crap?

aren't you happy that you have hurt me already?

i ALWAYS try and make the INITIATIVE to talk to you, call you, text you and ask you to accompany me. IT WAS ALWAYS ME, ROGIE. AND YOU KNOW IT! and then you make this absurd statement that i left NOTHING to you?! You always leave me hanging. You're always SHUTTING ME out.

Sino nga ba talaga ang may "walang pakialam" sa relasyon na ito? Yung nagsabi, pero may ginagawang aksiyon para magkaayos o yung hindi nga nagsasalita na "wala siyang pakialam" pero wala namang ginagawa?

so now tell me.

cleaning my closet

at first i thought, it never happened... but it did.
i am broken.
but i have hurt him. i am sooo guilty of that - physically, emotionally.. whatever. the pain i imagine i've caused - probably is so unbearable that's why we ended up parting ways.

now, i feel ultra shit. (i am not ashamed saying shit. i've spoken harsh-er... hell, we are all hypocrites if you say you are better than others... anyway)

what do i do now? nothing i suppose. since december i was the one 'doing' things. making things happen.
now... i am so damned tired...

i just logged today (friendster) 02/01/07 at exactly 1:35 pm...and viewed his profile. i was totally shocked when it said "single"... he has officially ended the relationship (or whatever was left of it after that fateful camp last december)... everything was fine last january 26-27. i just don't know what happened.

i have imagined us getting married, living a simple life. i'd be a full-time homemaker... he's gonna be the greatest husband, father, friend, and teacher... but we built our dreams on sand. the storm came, and everything was dragged away -- into the depths of the ocean... now, i wonder .... where are the promises of love? comforting words like "i will be here", "i will take care of you", "God gave you to me" he always whispered to my ears back then?

i was so hurt, i deleted all his photos - even my testi for him. then it hit me -- all the while, the months we've been together, he never made a testi for me. to think that 5 days every week, he is in front of the computer.

so now,
i'll be cleaning my closets;
i'll be singing "alone again";
"the real thing" will be my lullaby every God-forsaken night...
i'll anticipate the months ahead thinking where did i go wrong (again?)
eat less... think more.
pathetic as it is... yes. this will happen, months from now.

just want to share what a friend of mine texted me when he said "goodbye"
"ALL THAT A GIRL NEEDS IS A GUY
JUST ONE GUY,
WHO WOULD BE MAN ENOUGH TO PROVE HER THAT NOT ALL MEN ARE THE SAME."

NOW...
it's time to say
"good bye rogie"

r a n d o m r a n t s

i have a fear.
magpa-pioneer kami ng isang ministry sa church -- isang ministry na kung ilang taon na rin natutulog.. natatakot ako na baka hindi ko magawa ang pinakamainam ko para sa Kaniya. iniisip ko, bakit nga ba kami "nangahas" na simulan ulit ito? kasi, minsang tanungin ko ang isa kong kasama, ang sabi niya, "para ma-legalize yung mga lakad natin... na hindi magmukhang barkadahan lang.."

Lord, ayokong maging sangkalan namin ang Iyong gawain para sa pansariling interes. kung ganito man ang nag-udyok sa amin para simulan ang gawain na ito, ituwid mo ang aming mga isipan at layunin -- na ang gawain mo ay hindi 'escape goat', na hindi lokohan ang pagsisimula ng isang ministeryo.

-oOo-

"PK/MK"

last October, i had the opportunity to be a part of a 4-day conference (it's actually 3 days) and was blessed with so many gifted speakers, organized activities, and blessed attendees.

but somethings been bothering me.

why is it that everytime i attend events such as this, there will always be a portion where PKs/MKs will be treated as though they are more special than us - those not born of a pastoral decent?

wala lang

-oOo-

.:gratitude:.

God is truly amazing..
I am so indebted of what God has done (and will be doing) for me.
He gave me another chance to change, to be renewed and to have a breath of fresh air.

Hindi ko talaga maintindihan kung bakit minahal Niya ako nang ganito... kung bakit pinili Niya ako.

Lord, i am thankful... for everything.
I want to be passionate for You.
Help me, I need You po.

By God's grace I was able to ask for a week's PTO (personal Time Off) sa office (na take not: hindi usually gina-grant). That alone was a miracle. I work in a financial account and being on leave for a long period was a no-no. But my God has something in store for me....

We went to Baguio, and God showed me things, gave me new insights and helped me back on my feet again. It was really hard at first -- my heart has been hardened by life's so many pressures and hurts from the past.
I've made new friends, catched up with old friends. It's a wonder seeing them again...

Here are some thoughts:

I've learned that the love of God is more than head-knowledge, it's a refreshing and a wonderful experience. It's more than knowing, it is understanding and the best part is "experiencing".
I wish i could say the right words here... that I could exactly define what the love of the Lord is... but words are utterly useless... to define His divine love is overwhelming. He IS overwhelming!

Stress can be worked out.

Being God's child gives you a greater responsibility sa workplace. You work, not because of money but because strategically God placed you there as a ministry. You work to give God the glory. So, in that case, work honestly, coupled with integrity.

marami pa,,, but i have to go. i just came home from work. need to catch some sleep....

for PAO 2

SIGE MEGAMALL, July 21
ganun pa rin ang oras. 1:30.

marami tayong pag-uusapan!!!

=)

for PAO

kamusta ka namam bruha ka?
ano ba ang friendster add mo?
at walang nabanggit ang aking ina na nagtext ka...
ano ba ito... para tayong abnormal.
wala kasi akong phone.
magkita tayo sa darating na sabado (July 14)
sigurado naman na sweldo na nun db?
Kita tayo sa megamall (Wendy's) mga 1:30 pm.
ok... kumpleto na yan ha?
sasama ko si nano at si rogie.

ok ba yun?
pleaseee... email mo ako agad.
i-checheck ko ito sa friday.
reply ka rito ASAP.
anong number mo sa sykes???

anong floor mo sa OSMA?
dali dali dali,,,
miss na kita!
ok?

this saturday SM Mega 1:30 PM Wendy's.