i hate goodbyes

i hate goodbyes.

makes me wanna puke...

this guy's m-i-n-e

i think nobody knows that i already have a boyfriend.... well,,, ladies and gents, presenting "my guy".

here are some of his pictures....

astig db? (as if malinaw eh no?)


well.... what can i say bout him.... he ignores me... a lot (heheh). funny thing is, wala silang landline sa bahay, so he calls like almost every night, using the ever-reliable payphone and calls during wee hours (kasi, i want my guy to call me as often as he could, make lambing to me or something..)

he's nice. actually.


i don't know much about him since naging kami this june lang. anyway, generally, ok naman siya. the thing that i admire about him is his patience, his ability to make me laugh,

what i also do know is, barkada siya ng little sister ko, yet she thinks na kung magiging kami nito (hindi pa niya alam na kami na) hindi raw magtatagal ang relasyon namin.

wala lang... ngayon, more than ever, na-realize ko na i should not take things like this too seriously....

bahala na.

but better be on the safe side, right? (wink)

kilig moments

i am a person who is generally not malambing or not 'showy'... and even if people are malambing to me, i don't know how to respond -- i would end up feeling bad about myself because i would hit the person i like. (sadista eh ano?! weirdkenx talaga!)

i got an early morning (very early... about 3:00 am) call from daniel... not that t'was the shock of my life, however, i felt 'loved'. i don't know if he had to go out just to make that call or he's already outside and was about to go home... but it's kind of sweet, right?

"o bakit ka tumawag"
"bakit? ayaw mo ba?"
"hindi... bakit nga?"
"nami-miss lang kita"

prior to that phone conversation (i just remembered) yesterday around 4 pm he texted me (twice) that he misses me... one particular message was "mis u" and in all honesty, i wanted to cry. feeling ko, ang lambing-lambing ng message niya na 'yon!
(",)

religion-haters

i just can believe how people are so ignorant about how they "spend" their lives.

think about this:

what if there's REALLY a God?
what if there's LIFE after death?

then, some stupid girl thinks that religion is bullshit?

i just told her, "what goes up, must go down." whatever she said against religion, well,,, i know, she'll eat it.

competition

i've been teaching a dance number to this group of moms and dads for our church's special event (pastor's birthday), for two consecutive nights already and so far, everything is going good... actually, they've exeeded my expectations. actually, we're almost through... just polishing some few steps...

they are really remarkable! but SOME are too proud of themselves.
how come?

a woman remarked, "sino ngayon ang mas magaling tsaka mas madaling turuan?"
talk about competing with your own kids! i mean, sila mismo ang mga magulang ng mga young people na nagsayaw ng sasayawin nila... but they compare themselves with their kids! imagine... the very people that should've been supporting their own are the very ones who competes against them.

this, i think, is one of the many reasons why the young people (in general) don't feel 'at home' when they're with their family. i don't understand why a lot of older people can't figure out their kids, well in fact, you often hear them saying, "papunta ka pa lang, pabalik na ako..." IF, what they is true, then why do they simply don't get us? isn't that.... weird?

...impromptu...

they say, we can't live without them... that they are the God's missing piece on our life's puzzle. this is so true...

i miss my dad so much. si papa kasi, siya ang nag-alaga sa amin nung bata kami. lumaki kaming kasama siya -- siya ang nagpapaligo sa amin, nagluluto at nagpapakain, nagpaplantsa ng damit, nagdidisiplina. ang papa ko ang nagturo sa amin sa mga 'basics' sa buhay. siya nga rin ang nagtatali ng buhok namin! (kaya nga walang design ang mga ayos ng buhok namin nuon,,, simple lang... minsan, dahil sa sobrang higpit, mukha nakaming chinita!) ang papa ko rin ang unang artist na nakilala ko -- magaling kumanta, magdrawing, tumugtog ng gitara (hindi ko lang alam kung marunong siyang sumayaw! eheehee)

si papa rin ang unang nagturo sa akin na makipagbasag-ulo! minsan, merong mga grupo ng boys na nang-aaway sa amin... nagtago ang tatay ko... tapos hinabol niya yung mga yun! nung nahuli niya, nag-iyakan na! hehehe. 'stig talaga! hindi ko lang maalala kung kinausap siya (papa ko) ng mga magulang nung mga bata na hinabol niya...

ano bang namimiss ko sa tatay ko??? marami. maraming marami marami.

hinahanap-hanap ko yung pakiramdam ng mayroong nag-aalaga, ng mayroong nagmamahal. kapag mayroon akong sakit, siya ang naaalala ko na nag-aalaga sa akin. hinahanap-hanap ko yung "feeling of security" na kapag andiyan ang papa ko, walang pwedeng umaway sa amin! sa akin! (naiiyak na ako..) walang pwedeng umapi sa amin.

kung andito ang papa ko, magkakasama kaming lahat. nakatira sa bahay namin... nag-aasaran,
nagkukulitan, nagkakantahan (tutugtog ang papa ko habang kumakanta kaming mag-iina), siguro.. makakasama ko rin siyang uminom. hehe. baka nagyoyosi na rin ako (heheh) hindi bad influence ang tatay ko, malaya lang talaga kami sa kaniya.

kung andito ang papa ko, ipapakita ko pa kung gaano ko siya kamahal... kung gaano siya ka-importante sa buhay ko.

mula nang mamatay ang tatay ko... ibang-ibang-iba talaga! para bang nawalan ka backbone sa katawan. as in... 8 years na... pero, empty pa rin ang pakiramdam ko. para bang, i am not complete... will never be complete.

miss ko na talaga ang papa ko...

random rants

-we really can't expect good moments in our lives last forever... that would be injustice! i mean, in one way or another, there would be a person who would 'suffer' because of our happiness...we just end up hoping that these good things last longer... and less people 'suffer' because of our happiness.

-would you stay with someone who would 'push' you do things against your will? people would immediately advise you to dump that person, forget about him and move on, that there are far more better (to the nth level!) guys out there... wa'ever! this is so easier said than done... most especially in my case.

-i like embracing a guy- the warmth that it brings, his smell... the feeling of closeness... of intimacy. i love the feeling of security when a guy embraces me... you know, that kind that makes you feel that you have the strength to face anything when your man is by your side. i like embraces so much!

-i miss my dad sooo much.

-i'm planning to rent a house for us. horizon seems foggy about geting OUR old house back... such an injustice!

-God said not to grudge against life, other people or anything for that matter... but how can you keep yourself from doing it? men are born faultfinders! we have the tendency to look for other people's flaws.

some things about weirdkenx

TEN things about me
1.i dance. i even teach dancing! (hindi halata ano?)
2.i don't smoke (totoo!) and i drink sometimes. pero people think otherwise.
3.i love reading books habang ngumunguya ng kahit ano
4.i love writing.... actually, i am passionate about it....
5.collection: medyas, jackets, baby pictures, stickers (dati)
6.mahilig akong makipag-usap, pero gusto ko rin ang nag-iisa
7. i play the guitar. and i also compose songs...
8.matigas ang ulo ko, and i am REALLY complicated.
9.given the choice between chocolate and green mango, i'd prefer the latter...
10.i love Jesus, but sometimes i fail to show Him that, but na lang, mabait Siya

NINE favorite places I've visited
1.tayabas quezon, where i encountered God. (Youth Camp,'98)
2.Batangas (where i met rb, my ex)
3.Baguio (had a blast with my college friends)
4.Tanay, Rizal (Jesus in Me Youth Camp)
5.Mindoro Oriental
6.Mindoro Occidental
7.Bulacan summer camp... i met dan and jojo. best team kami eheheh
8. pasig... walang tatalo sa lugar ko!
9.planning to go to Boracay with tj!

EIGHT things I want to do before I die
1.mountain climbing
2.write a book
3.magkaroon ng art exhibit
4.discover something remarkable that would change the world
5.read the Bible from cover to cover
6.compose songs (make an album!)
7.be a photographer
8.magspear-head ng isang non-profit organization (either for the kids or for the elderly)

SEVEN ways to win my heart
1.sweet ... as in!
2.clean nails and navel
3.the best kausap
4.sense of humor
5.mabango
6.mabait and SOBRANG understanding
7.loves Jesus

SIX things I believe in
1.Christ, and that He died for me
2.the Bible as the Word of God
3.i can do all things if i set my mind to it and allow God to move freely sa buhay ko
4.na i am complicated and that it takes a SUPER understanding person to get along with me
5.na God will give me my heart's desire soon (yihi!)
6.that God loves me.

FIVE things I am afraid of
1.being defiled
2.being rejected because of what i believe in.....
3.walang magmamahal sa akin... walang magyayayang pakasalan ako.
4.bangungot...
5.hell....loved ones or friends i know would go to hell because i didn't share Jesus

FOUR of my favorite items in my cabinet
1.my books
2.my diaries
3.my picture of.... hahaha! (thanks pao!)
4.my accessories

THREE things I do everyday
1.write
2.talk (that's mah job!)
3.pray...

TWO things I am trying not to do right now
1.being too emotional...
2.moping over friends who 'walked out on me'

ONE person I want to see right now
1. my dad...

\m/,

RaNDom rANts

wala akong maisulat... para bang nauubusan ako ng mga ideya na maisusulat dito. siguro dahil hindi ako inspirado... na para bang ang mga naiisip ko ay dinadala lang ng hangin....

pero,,, hindi ba dapat... inspired ako?

-oOo-

DALAGANG INA

ang tawag nila sa akin ay "dalagang ina"... hindi dahil "i-don't-have-a-hubby-but-i-have-a-baby" ang drama ng buhay ko... asa akin ang isang anak ng ate ko... and it's been 3 months, asa akin pa rin ang 'baby' ko...

his name is mark vincent, popularly known as nano. 6 years old....makulit, bibo, malambing, madaldal (sobrang daldal), manlalait at mahilig manuntok... (sabi nga ni n*g... "manang-mana sa iyo"). at lately ko lang natanggap na kamukhang-kamukha ko siya... heheheh

everybody loves nano kahit marami ring nakukulitan sa kaniya. natutuwa sa kaniya, nabibibohan! magaling din daw mag-drawing (according to teacher ruth)... parang baby na rin siya ng Youth ng church.

ang hirap palang maging full-fledged, single, 'working mom'... GRABE! yung pagwo-worry, yung pagba-budget.. yung food (iisipin mo kung masustansiya ba iyon para sa bata or hindi)... lalo na yung pagdidisiplina! ang hirap pala talagang maging ina.

pero at the same time, rewarding talaga ang maging ina. may nagku-kwento sa iyo ng mga napanood niya pag-uwi... may kakulitan, katawanan... kaasaran. nakakaenjoy din bumili ng mga gamit pambata, tapos 'pag nabili mo... tuwang-tuwa. parang ibinigay mo ang isang parte ng langit sa kaniya. nakakatuwang hindi ka nag-iisa sa higaan... kahit magulo, ok lang. ilang taon na rin kasi akong mag-isang natutulog... ngayon, hindi na.


sa lahat ng ina,,,, lalo na iyong maraming anak... saludo ako sa inyo. salamat sa paghubog at pag-aalaga sa inyong mga anak... ang mga susunod na tagapanguna ng bansang ito.

...sENsiTIve me...

i know this is not right -- me being sensitive and all of that crap.... but i feel that way... and it's driving me nuts!

i'd like to defend my self and justify my behavior by telling everyone that i'm ONLY human and that i am entitled to such emotions... but that would also mean that being this way is in a sense, right...

but i know that it's not.

lem'me tell you the story behind this,,,

sunday dawned bright.. offering a new beginning ... but then, just as i was going downstairs to attend the service, this woman approached me and scolded me for a totally honest mistake. i admit, i also have a share for the blame... but why scold me in front of other church members? how insensitive one can get?!

after that... everything went ok. had a time to relax and take a break because my nephew went with some churchmates to cavite (and they would be back probably late in the night!) so i would have some time for "myself"

we had a youth fellowship late that afternoon... i felt weird because i am overhearing mumbles from some people planning to go out. i'm kinda excited knowing that i could come IF they would invite me.

but hell, no. no one even asked me. actually, i don't even know whether my assumptionsat that moment were true. but eventually i found out that everybody left the church without me knowing it. sweet friends, right?

THE BEST PART... i ended up taking care of a baby because the whole family is going out to watch a movie... and guess who they're taking with -- my so-called friends! cool! (sarcastic)

so i sat there all by myself with the baby and waited for these people to come and get the baby. they, having all the fun in the world... while me, moping and desperately looking for someone to talk with.

(by the way, i said no to a friend asking for a date simply because i thought my friends and i would be taking a night out!)

some night, huh?

kulungan

minsan... pakiramdam ko, sinasakal ako ng sarili kong lipunan na ginagalawan. pakiramdam ko, ang lipunan ang pumipigil sa aking gawin ang mga bagay na gusto ko sa buhay. ang lipunan na 'humubog' sa kung sino ako ngayon ay ang mismong lipunan na nagkukulong sa akin.

tinuruan ako ng lipunang ito kung paano magsalita ng Filipino at Ingles at maging matatas sa wikang ito... subalit ngayon, ang lipunang ito ang nagdidikta sa akin kung ano ang sasabihin, paano ko ito sasasbihin, at kailan ako magsasalita. minsan pa nga, mas gusto pa nito na huwag na lang na magsalita. kalokohan, pero kung titingnan mo, totoo.

minsan, naitanong ko sa aking sarili ... bakit pa nga ba ako nabuhay kung parang nakakulong naman ang pakiramdam ko?

pero, mananatili pa rin ang katotohanan na ang lahat ng pangyayari sa buhay na ito ay mayroong dahilan, na ang lahat ng tao ay 'intertwined' ang mga buhay. hindi man natin malaman ang eksatong dahilan ng lahat ng ito, balang araw... maiintindihan din natin.

ito ang buhay. magkahalong saya't lungkot ang dulot nito.

comment on pau's 3rd entry

am i really the quintessential lady (lady daw o!) for not telling someone her feelings towards the guy she REALLY likes?

i'm afraid i am not.

siguro, i just don't like the feeling of being rejected (who wouldn't?). i mean, just think of the effort that you have to "do" in order to tell that someone you like him, tapos, 'pagtatawan' ka lang... worst iku-kwento pa sa ibang friends niya! (oa ang imagination ko ano?).

i don't exactly tell the person i like outright that i do have something for him not unless (a) i am SURE that he likes me much more than i like him or (b) i am TOTALLY AT EASE with him, i mean... we're really good friends na hindi na kami magkaka-ilangan once i tell him i like him -- much like what happened to tj and me.

cool and mysterious? yeah... probably.

maybe it's because

bangungot

hindi ko talaga maintindihan ang nangyari sa akin kaninang 12:06 am!

nanaginip ako, kasama si nano. tapos, umalis kami... napunta raw kami sa isang lugar (mukhang probinsiya) tapos meron daw na babae ruon na natuwa kay nano at hinalikan pa yung baby ko! 'kinagabihan' (daw), actually yung set up ng pagtulog eh itsura namin ni nano kagabi -- magkatabi. nakita ko raw si nano na nag-iiba ng itsura (yung mukhang napo-possess), tapos, naalala ko na 'hinalikan' pala siya nung babae... baka nag-place ng curse kay nano. na-realize ko na binabangungot na pala ako kasi hindi ako makakilos! so nag-pray ako and i called out on the name of my Lord Jesus... and then i realized na nanaginip lang pala ako ... na wala palang babae na humalik kay nano at walang exorcism na nagaganap!

grabe... ang weird talaga! imagine, nanaginip ka na nanaginip ka!?


creepy...

pagkagising ko, takut na takot ako. i texted ate jewel and asked her to pray for me. she replied that i also need to pray for myself and suggested na mag-devotion ako, which i did.

random rants

how frustrating it is when people take advantage of each other, worst... when someone uses innocent kids just to get their selfish desires!

sometimes... i just get so irritated, at a certain point boiling mad, when things don't happen the way i want them to be (who wouldn't?!).

i wonder when will she ever stop teasing me? i mean, talk about major 'blackmail'!

kamusta na kaya si ino? sa totoo lang, crush ko na itong batang ito... heheh. bata lang kasi eh! same goes with makdo! ok na sana, hindi lang christian... haayyy....