on letting go and loving again

somehow, after the dreadful incident of breaking up with someone you have learned to share your life with... someone-out of the blue- would teach you to live, love and dream again...

it's been almost two years since i broke up with my first boyfriend, rb. it would have been extremely easier for me to forget the hurt i have been through had we seperated ways that 16th of october. but no. we still see each other, do sweet stuff together... which is really odd.

not until this person talked sense to me.

everything was really an accident. i was texting this friend of mine, 'unfortunately', i mis-sent it to him! THE SHOCK OF MY LIFE THAT NIGHT (oct 5, '04) sending an extremely personal message intended to a friend and because i was really crying and depressed because of that previous relationship, i sent it to the 'wrong' person! now, him being nice and all of that, replied a few messages and offered help. i called him, told him i was already fine -- he even remarked na "parang wala kang problema ah"... from then on, that started our 'phone-pal relationship'.

i started to know the guy better through those phone calls. my first impression of him was really absurd. (some of his friends would laugh at me, i know that!) i thought he was a former drug addict and that he is a sanggano-type. i was totally wrong...

eventually i had a crush on him...

flying thoughts

maybe i am just being 'religion-biased' in this particular area... maybe it's because i like brennan espartinez (like as in crush) but, heck, i like him. and he's a Christian... so what's the matter?

ang galing-galing talagang 'magpasikat' ng mga TV stations ng 'Pinas (well, i'm sure lalo na sa ibang bansa)... hindi pa man alam kung sino ang mananalo sa isang contest, parang artistang-artista na talaga silang lahat... ang astig ng "packaging". katulad na katulad ng promotion ng starstruck.

paano ba nila kinukuha ang kiliti ng ordinaryong juan dela cruz?

sapalagay ko, ang ganitong mga 'reality tv' shows ay para bigyan tayo ng isang idea na hindi nalalayo sa tunay na buhay ang nangyayari sa loob ng 'boob tube'. na tayo mismo, sa pamamagitan ng pangyayari sa tunay na karakter (yung mga ordinaryong tao na naging extraordinaryo ang buhay -- kahit long term or short term) na 'ginamit' sa isang storya or contest mas nararamdaman ng manonood ang bawat eksenasa 'palabas'. it's like bringing real stories right out of your tv! (tama ba yun?)

ang pinoy kasi, mahilig sa tsismis. mahilig pakialaman ang buhay ng iba. kaya naman patok talaga ang reality tv shows sa puso ng pinoy. aba, feeling involved si juan kapag nasimulang panoorin ang isang reality tv show! for example, yang starstruck.. maraming may kani-kaniyang bet diyan. hanggang ngayon pa nga, mas gusto ko pa rin ang batch one over batch two! walang ka-chemistry-chemistry yung love teams ng batch 2! (at kung sakaling may batch 2 fanatic na makabasa nito, im sure magwawala).

ganyan ang pinoy kapag na-attach. kahit hindi kakilala.. pag "minahal" na agad... ipagpapatayan ang idol niya.

isa pa, madali ring "masilaw" ang pinoy sa ningning ng pinilakang tabing. feeling 'sikat' lalo na kapag nakasama ang kasama mo. totoo namn db? halimbawa, nakasama sa extra challenge yung pinsan ng pinsan ng kaibigan mo, kahit hindi mo naman siya masyadong kakilala, feeling chums kayo kasi, sinabi ng kaibigan mo na yung pinsan ng pinsan niya , kasama sa extra challenge... tapos ipamamallita mo yun sa friends mo... feeling celebrity ka ngayon.

wala namang masama sa mga ito. i mean, this is our 'chopsuey culture'. at sino pang magmamahal sa kulturang ito kundi tayo rin?

tama?

ngayong wala ka na

sana magkasama pa rin tayo
nagkukulitan
nag-aasaran
nagbabangayan
nagtutuksuhan

sana nandito ka pa
sa piling ko
kasama ko

ayoko nang ganito
na abot-tanaw na lang kita
ni hindi makausap
ni hindi makasama

ang hirap naman
na wala akong magawa
sa ganitong sitwasyon


(this is sooo corny! i am not supposed to be this way... not mushy, i am not made up of that stuff... but with this guy.. things have gone amusingly different! =) no wonder friends really wanted to meet him... coz he has made a lot og changes in me -- great changes for that matter...well... what can i say? )

...YaHOo moments...

Lord, thank You for these "yahoo moments"

-interfellowship went ok...
-makakapag-enroll na si baby ko (thank you kay tatay narding siya na ang mag-aasikaso)
-si jamie mag-aaral na rin. hopefully, habang ginagawa ko ito maayos na ang pag-aaral ni jamie.
-nakita ko si 'soulmate' ko... at nakapag-usap kami last night
-went to intramuros last sunday night... kumain nang marami...
-meron akong bagong sarong and tubao! (yey!)

starting all over again

it's good thing that God gave us the opportunity to start all over agin,,, i mean, we can stand when we stumble, we can rise when we fall. even if we can never truly forget the hurt we've felt, we can forgive the ones who've hurt us.

easier said than done.

yeah, i know. even now, what i mostly remember about fights, arguments, anf disagreements are the emotional hurt and the words spoken against me and/or my family... so, technically, you do't really forget it totally .

what am i pointing at? i guess, i'm really not that sure. i'm kinda doing a lot of things at the same time... so, please forgive me for my 'distracted thoughts'

but, back to the main point... it's really nice when one is given a second chance. i mean, who wouldn't want to have another chance?

i have a big God!

"hey problem, i have a big God! greater than what you could do for me. Hey, problem you could bring me down... discourage me... make me loose control. But that's not a problem anymore... my God is IN CONTROL! All i have to do, problem, is let you blow your 'whatever' against me... throw your angst against me, but i will never be troubled... coz my Lord is with me. why worry?"

...trip...

"umuusok na bulalo sa tanghaling tapat
biglaang sugod sa gonut donut.."

yan ang ilang (so far) ay trip naming gawing ng mga ilang friends! wala namang so spectacular sa ginagawa namin...

WheRevEr yOu aRE (south border)

in a world where music seems an expression of hate, of sexual desire and worldly pleasures, of rebellion, and of ridiculous and nonesense messages, it is such a relief -- like an oasis -- when a musician writes a song like this.

i actually first understood the song while watching a late night TV show featuring "Queens on Fire" (regine & pops)... GRABE! regine sang "wherever you are" and it was sssooooo wonderful! the song's definitely awesome and powerful! 'gand ng message!

it's a song that makes one feel good when waiting for God's perfect will for them.
cute db?

oohh...

FIND A GUY...
..who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
..who calls you back when you hang up on him,
..who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
..who kisses your forehead,
..who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats,
..who holds your hand in front of his friends,
..who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on.


WAIT FOR THE ONE..
..who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and
how blessed he is to have you.
..who is willing to face his family just to fight for you
..who turns to his friends and says, "...THAT'S HER..."

where are the men in life?

when my father died 8 years ago, i never thought that that was the last time i would ever have a man that i could trust without any fear, without any doubt... i wonder, after my father died, where did the would-be men in life go?

don't get me wrong, reader... i am not a man-hater 'coz my father gave a quite impressive idea about men. it's just that, i got depressed when i finally realized that some (well, actually most of the men) men in my life have been extremely unmanly, ungodly...

recently, some (supposedly) guy friends invited me for dinner (it sounds like a posh invite,,, but actually it's not... it's just tapsi around the corner), said they would treat me. but things went wayward when me and my nephew got there. we were late... really late. BUT it's because i had to clean the church, i had to run errands for my aunt, had to prepare my 'son' for the d*mn dinner! but what did i get? NOTHING but panlalait, and panghahamak! i got really mad, i even paid that dinner! worst, hindi man lang nag-thank you! rude, right?

i had a boyfriend... thought he was nice, and that he would take care of me... that he would be my knight in shining armour... but he's not. end of the so-called 'lovestory'

i wonder where have all the 'good' men in my life have gone? i've been constantly praying for someone... ahhhh! nakaka-disappoint lang talaga! not God but MEN! haaayyyy...

(napakasama ba ng tingn ko na sa mga boys? well in fact my fvery first netry here is about a guy friend and how 'fortunate' i am for having a friend like him..)

who wants to know kenx?

NAME GAME:
kenkai/kenx (got 'baptized' with this name when i was in college)
atom (highschool days... i was 4'11", got the name because i was the smallest in the group)
sadista (mahilig kasi akong manakit lalao na nung high school)

FOOD TRIP
kahit anong maasim
malamig na mocha cake
toge

JEEPERS CREEPERS
be condemned to hell (me &/or people close to me)
be defiled
be rejected

CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT
reading
writing
composing songs & poems
sketching
playing the guitar

MY KIND OF GET UP
shirt + pants + sneakers

COLLECTION
stickers
baby pictures
books
sneakers
jacket
accessories

FIRST IMPRESSIONS
masungit
suplada
makulit

THINGS I DON"T LIKE ABOUT MYSELF
i hurt people physically
stubborn sometimes.. no, stubborn most of the time
i'm not malambing

I GET REALLY MAD WHEN
people wake me up in the middle of my sleep
i hear bad stuff about my family
people don't listen when they have to shut up and use their ears

I LIKE GUYS ...
who loves Jesus
with chinito eyes, dark complexion
cool pumorma (i prefer casual get up over other styles)
who knows how to make me laugh
a wide reader

BITS 'N PIECES

- i'd rather stay @ home and read a book than go out malling/shopping
- i like 'pinning' my hair up... ayoko nang may buhok sa batok! mainit!
- i find men na walang buhok sa binti at may ugat sa braso very attractive

Welcome To My Life!

i have always believed that we should treasure and maximize our full potentials in every G0d-given situations in our lives. but at the same time, we should always keep in mind that this life is just temporary and that we should fix our eyes and invest our time and energy on eternal things.

actually, there's nothing wrong in investing on earthly things -- like upgrading your cellphone, buying a house, business venture, a brand new car -- i see no reason why He gave us soil to till and strength to do and make things without us enjoying the fruits of our labor, ayt?

BUT, God did also say that we should serve Him with ALL OUR HEART, ALL OUR MIND, ALL OUR SOUL... also, this world is not our home rather we are just passers-by.

this is the real beauty of life. God lets us enjoy the feeling of being loved and loved, the value of learning and knowing, the joys and pains, on crying and laughing, of enjoying other people's company... isn't it amazing that our God is never madamot?

AND ASIDE FROM THIS... the great news, is that we'll spend eternity with Him -- a life of endless joy, peace, walking on golden streets, living in a mansion without worrying about burglars =), AND THE BEST PART, all that we're gonna do is to party and enjoy God's awesome love and presence! 'yung mga worldly gimmicks na hindi natin nasamahan because we choose to serve Him rather than the world, duon natin mararanasan! The ULTIMATE Christian gimmickan!

HOWEVER, these things would only happen IF we choose to serve the Lord first before anything else. accepting His gift of salvation, honoring Him with our lives, knowing HIm and making Him known.

ganun ka-simple. ganun ka-dali.

i like to quote a song that i used to hear my dad sing; "...He never said, you'd only feel sunshine, he never said there'd be no rain, He only promised a heart full of singing..."

Jesus never said you, being a Christian, would NEVER experience suffering (as a matter of fact, He did warn us that we should not expect the world will love us because the world is actually AGAINST US) but He did promise that He'll be there for us, with us, and He is praying for us.

what more could we ask for?

-sElFiSh-

these past few days, i am so selfish.

and i feel really guilty. really.

why am i being so selfish? hindi naman ako talaga ganito! lately, i want to have things and do things my way. i dunno... by the end of the day, i feel bad about myself.

in all honesty, the major reason why i am being like this is that i want to have a boyfriend! although i know that it isn't my time yet, still i'm asking (actually it's not asking, but pushing) God to give him to me. i know God has His reasons as to why things don't happen the way i want them to... bad girl talaga ano?!
another thing, i feel really bad when people don't notice the effort(s) that i put into a task given to me. i am not asking for a trophy, that's absurd. i just want people to appreciate me, as simple as that. but why can't they do that? ang nakakasama pa ng loob, OTHER people get the credit.

don't get me wrong, i'm not heading a major pity-party here. besides... i know that THIS behavior is unacceptable... and i feel bad about being bad. i am aware that God acknowledges my efforts in every task that is given to me, i also know that He has set the right time, the right place, and the right date and the perfect mate for me. wala lang, just being subborn and hard-headed i guess. (narrow-minded pa nga pala!)

; )

whachutink?!

...my guy...

i believe almost everybody in this world longs for someone to fill the gaps on their hand... someone who would complete him or her... and i am not an exception to that 'longingness'.

people who actually do not know the real me would probably laugh their hearts out upon reading this entry. one colleague remarked, "alam mo pare, hindi talaga kita ma-imagine na may boyfriend ka... siga ka kasi..." heheh. funny noh?! (ironic, crush ko yung nagsabi nito...)

my kind of guy? hmmm... where do i start? well, i usually get attracted with guys (physically po!) na singkit ang mga mata, casual get-up lang ang porma and nice skin. but a major factor for me to t0tally like a guy would be his ability to start and sustain a conversation -- his witty humor, sensible ideas, remarkable opinions, those viewpoints that would make you think twice, and not boxed BUT AT THE SAME TIME, would respect my thoughts and principles as well. I want my guy to be able to laugh at his own mistakes and admit his fault(s). someone who would listen to my angst, without necessary give opinions, just LISTEN.

you might really find this VERY funny, but i am longing for someone who would treat me like a princess... (eeewwww...) alam mo yun? yung tipong ilalagay ka sa pedestal? you might consider this extreme pero after what i've been through (kasi nga, i'm branded as 'one of the boys') siguro naman i'm entitled to this kind of royal treatment, right?

(to be continued po...)

para kay makdo: UNFINISHED

hayaan mong yakapin kita
sa pamamagitan ng hangin
isipin kong ang lamig na dulot ng dapyo nito
sa aking balat
ay tila maging init na tugon ng yakap mo
hayaan mong itago ko ang iyong mga alaala
sa aking puso at isipan
dahil dito ko lamang mararamdaman
na ikaw ay akin,
at ako'y iyo lang...

ituring mong ako'y isang anino
ituring mong ako'y isang kabanggaan lang sa daan
walang pangalan
walang pagkakakilanlan.

im proud to be tristan's friend

first entry...

i'm really excited about having my own blogspot so i'm kinda jitty about what to write... stuff like that. baka ma-wrong grammar pa ako heheh

so here goes:

i wrote something about being proud to be teejay's friend. yes. i really am. there are a million reasons why i feel this way about our friendship. and the situation we got in a few days ago proved and further strengthened the reality of how blessed kenkai is for being friends with tiege.
i told him (through email) na i felt really bad after the camp because of what happened. i could've hurt his ego - him being a male and all of that -- pero you know what he did? he said (err.. worte) that he's sorry.

imagine that! sino ba naman ang hindi matutwa sa taong ito?

-0O0-0O0-0O0-0O0-